Wins

In the spirit of making this next week better than the one that just passed, I am choosing to look at what went RIGHT this week, instead of what didn't.

1. Fantastic Kylie Minogue Concert with my family.
2. Cirque du Soleil's Varekai (very good seats!)
3. Harbor View
4. Kanin Club
5. Starbucks' Red Velvet Cake
6. New shoes and a cool new dress shirt.
7. Transformers
8. Got to present about 80% of Strama worksheets and got some direction 4 weeks before deadline. Yes, even that is good. I got grilled, but at least I know at least 40% of it is done. Still a long way to go, but at least there is some sense of significant progress, and still a lot of time left.
9. Got to run tonight with Via and Dennis.
10. I am still alive and breathing, living comfortably, surrounded by people who love me.
11. I have a challenging job I enjoy.
12. There is ALWAYS hope.
13. I am writing again!

So life goes on. I'm stepping out of the fear and doubt, and choosing to just move forward.

Prayers to St. Anthony

St. Anthony, perfect imitator of Jesus, who received from God the special power of restoring lost things, grant that I may find my engagement ring which has been lost.

At least restore to me peace and tranquillity of mind, the loss of which has afflicted me even more than my material loss. To this favor, I ask another of you: that I may always remain in possession of the true good that is God. Let me rather lose all things than lose God, my supreme good. Let me never suffer the loss of my greatest treasure, eternal life with God.

Amen.

O blessed St. Anthony,  the grace of God has made you a powerful advocate  in all our needs and the patron  for the restoring of things lost or stolen.  I turn to you today with childlike love and deep confidence.  You have helped countless children of God  to find the things they have lost, material things, and, more importantly,  the things of the spirit: faith, hope, and love.  I come to you with confidence;  help me in my present need. I recommend what I have lost to your care,  in the hope that God will restore it to me,  if it is His holy Will. 

Great

And just as I thought things couldn't get worse, I realize that my engagement ring is missing. The help and I just spent the last half hour turning everything inside out and upside down.

Sharon reported that she saw me wearing it before I left for school yesterday, but didn't notice me wearing it when I got back home. This morning, I couldn't find it among my daily jewelry which are usually bunched up together on my night table.

Paolo is silent. Obviously disappointed.

The only place I could think of where I MAY have left it is in school by one of the bathroom sinks, where I brushed my teeth after taking lunch. I have ABSOLUTELY NO MEMORY of me removing the ring. But habits like this are so automatic, so unconscious that they hardly make an imprint.

But that isn't an excuse. I just called the school and reported it missing. I am storming the heavens, praying that a kind soul took pity on a scatter-brain and turned it over. When I do get it back (I am visualizing that I will. I WILL.) I think I won't be wearing something as precious for a while.

I won't know until the Lost and Found office opens again tomorrow whether it was turned over or not. Meanwhile, there is nothing I can do but sit and wait and hope.

Here is hoping that writing about it here will take away the power this incident is having on my day. Which happens to just be starting.

Oh God please help me. I have too many many things on my mind as it is.

I think I

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

I am writing here again because I am sick to my stomach with STRAMA. I have taken down my Facebook site, about - oh, I don't know - about two months ago, but have since channeled my online escapes to Yahoo. Yes, Yahoo. I actually read those rolling headlines, or whatever you call them. Sometimes I succumb to a bit of Twitter just to connect to the outside world somehow.

I am writing here because I am sick of writing about growth, market share, and profit impacts. I feel that my brain has has slowed down to the speed of sludge. The sheer volume of information I have to search for and digest actually - pun intended - makes me want to regurgitate it all. Like my brain shuts down at the sight of all the size 10 Arial letters I crammed into those Powerpoint columns.

I took a leave from work to commit myself fully to writing the paper. The first week ends tomorrow and I just found today that my paper is supposed to take a major step to a very very different direction. Which, unfortunately, require me to take on even MORE WORK. This news, seems to be bringing me to what I believe could be a mild depression.

Or it could just be this impossibly gloomy weather. I envisioned this study leave to have morning runs and 8 hours of work, with normal sleeping hours. But this weather just makes that seem all too criminal, and the only right things to do are to either curl up in bed, ponder on the meaning of life, or just...blog. Whatever it is, it should be something slow. Don't you think?

So Universe, I am writing to you because I need you to take away the anxiety - the source of this stress and resulting procrastination. This way I can write away with a lighter heart, and not feel as incompetent as I do now. I miss my friends, I miss lighter things, and can't wait to breathe easily, finally. And my goodness, to start working on my wedding.

Getting Unstuck

She said:

1. Start fresh.
2. Start in the middle of the story if you have to. We can stitch everything together later.
3. Great start. Now step back and let it go. Don't hang on to it too much.
4. Keep a file of snippets of random thought.
5. Maybe it would help if you say things first. Then write them down.
6. Go back to the moments that struck you. Write about sensory things. Insight will come later.
7. Writing helps process the experience.
8. Do not use first person.
9. Don't judge a place. It can be different for everybody.
10. Focus on what strikes you the most.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I am tired but deciding to pick myself up today.

It feels like there's this huge block on my mind and I can't wait to get rid of it. My room is a mess, I haven't had exercise in ages and I haven't reviewed the finances because I can't seem to do much else until its over.

Perhaps a new camera and netbook can serve as inspiration?

Excerpt

Then again there must be a reason why I was chosen. I think the universe heard that I wanted so bad to be a better writer - and sent me the perfect challenge to push me to reach higher. Funny how the world works. I wonder if I should be more careful with what I ask for, because - and I say this without arrogance - I usually get it.

Nonetheless, I feel that my writing has vastly improved. Though I know I still have much to learn, the 500 words I wrote this morning is probably one of my best work yet. Unpretentious, honest, yet filled with interesting detail. I wrote with my heart. Though writing each sentence still felt like childbirth (or what I imagine childbirth to feel like), I am less afraid now. And the voice that tells me I'm not good enough grows smaller and smaller with every word I write. I can hear myself more now. And what I hear is beautiful.