The Day I Learned How to Drive

June 1, 2008

I can do anything.

Today I learned how to drive. I have been driving with the family driver by my side for several days a week since my dad left for a business trip abroad. My dad returned after just about a week. But family driver and I kept on driving together anyway. For some strange reason, when I decided I was going to learn to drive this year, the opportunities just kept on coming. My mom’s new schedule (which consisted of about one errand a day – very busy) allowed me to take the car to the office everyday, and Wilbert would just drive it back home. Even if my sister needed to be driven every morning to the LRT station located at the opposite direction, strangely, her schedule seemed to accommodate my driving lessons too. My dad even got a new car – which made him pay less attention to the car I was practicing with J

But today was different. Today marks a milestone. Today I drove the car ALL ON MY OWN. I can do ANYTHING.

Let me explain why this is of such importance to me. First of all, I am probably the last twenty-six year old who still doesn’t know how to drive. All my life I have been branded a klutz, of being practically incapable of anything that involved my hands. Even my handwriting leaves much to be desired. I have enrolled TWICE in two different driving schools and felt I didn’t learn anything. And the first time I tried to take the car out of the garage by myself resulted in a bad mix of juvenile panic and regret. I freaked out when the side mirror scraped the gate hinges, and found nasty gray marks on the side of the red car door.

That night was hilarious. I was actually supposed to drive to a nearby bar to meet some friends, and wanted to impress them by turning up in a car. When I realized I couldn’t take the damn thing out of the garage, I called one of the friends I was meeting with and asked HER to give me a ride to the bar. I wasn’t embarrassed at all, since it all seemed so typical that I would end up in a situation like that. My friend, who knew me since high school, knew this about me and laughed too. We left in a huff. I felt like a kid who just broke mom’s vase and had to hide before she found out.

I realized of course that it was pointless, so I texted my dad from the bar and said I made a booboo and will pay for the damages. Within minutes he called and gave me the expected berating. My mom joined in and asked several rhetoric questions, such as “Why would you do that?” and the like. I don’t remember what my answer was, and I’m pretty sure neither did she. But both parents wondered why their smart daughter would do something totally out of character. My dad, exasperated, asked why we (my siblings and I) kept on using his car for driving practice, which of course, was another rhetorical question.

You have to give it to them though. It looked like a pretty stupid thing to do. Like I said, I never displayed much skill with my hands. Well, more of I “display” too many accidents for them to be comfortable with me manning a 400 thousand peso piece of equipment, much less with the thought of taking it through moving traffic. So I could imagine how they felt. What they didn’t know, however, was that at that time, I was already driving around with the driver for a few weeks, and I wanted to see if I could do it on my own. I was getting dictated instruction from Wilbert for several days already, and I figured the only way I’d advance was to make sure all that actually went into my head. Taking the car out on my own was my idea of proving to myself that I was learning. That night, at least I learned that I needed to learn some more. I knew, however, that using that as an answer wouldn’t help me justify the accident that night.

But on that night, I learned that one setback wouldn’t keep me from getting what I wanted.

The Saturday morning after the incident, my mishap was brought up over brunch. My mom said “It’s just not one of your strengths, Patricia”, with a sigh of resignation. I will never forget that. That pissed me off most of the afternoon – she seriously believed I’d never learn how to drive. I finally brought it out on Paolo on our way home, I told him that NO ONE – not even my mom – can tell me what I could and could not do. I was practically yelling inside the car. But boy did it feel good to hear myself say that.

So here I am, a few weeks later, triumphant. I proved myself right, and mom wrong. I haven’t surprised myself in a long time, and it feels so good to have done so. (It also turned out that all the car needed was some rubbing compound. The scratches were gone in minutes. I don’t think my dad even saw them)

I realize that the only thing that was stopping me from learning was myself. I BELIEVED I couldn’t do it, and that’s where the fear, the procrastination, and the laziness came from. I believed what people around me were saying. They all believed my mom and I were so alike that I would never learn to drive like she did (or not do), and I believed that too. I remember Paolo urging me to start learning long ago, and I made excuses for not being able to. I remember having thoughts justifying why I couldn’t learn and why my siblings could. Maybe I did feel a bit of self-pity when I needed my younger siblings to drive me around because I couldn’t do so myself.

But then last November, I wrote and decided I would learn how to drive this year. And every day I’d drive I’d tell Wilbert I was so good at driving. Not getting good. I WAS GOOD. And today, I truly was.

Today was not just about driving. It was about getting the kind of freedom I have never felt before. The kind that released me from the thoughts I used to have about myself, thoughts that stopped me from doing what I wanted to do. It’s amazing when you realize you could do things you never thought you could. Can you imagine just how many more thoughts I can challenge? This life is going to be exciting.

Now I understand what those authors meant when they say it doesn’t matter what your past was, what matters is what you decide for yourself RIGHT NOW. Because everyday you are a new person – literally – and you can change yourself everyday.

Speaking of changes – yesterday, I had my toenails painted red for the first time. I know it’s just a color, but I never thought it would feel this great, honest. I feel like a different person. But that’s another story.

You are affected only by your thoughts

- A Course in Miracles